Part Two: I own my joy– cancer cannot steal it from me

There are many things cancer can do. It is a thief and a destroyer; but I found in my own battle with this beast that there are things that belong to me, and me alone. Cancer has no right to them. For instance, I own my joy – cancer cannot steal it from me. The only way I can lose my joy is if I willingly give it up.  Now, let me be clear.  I’m not talking about happiness here – that feel good feeling we get when circumstances line up in our favor.  Nor am I talking about spiritual joy, a much deeper and abiding thing.  I am talking about daily joy – that knowing that we get that ‘in this moment’, and ‘in this place’, things are right.

Now, this all sounds good and well, but in practice it’s a bit harder.  This is how it would go for me during breast cancer:  Here I am in bed, I’ve had parts of my body amputated, and I’m still full of pain, unable to even lift my baby.  I’ve had three surgeries, two life threatening infections, and now I’m so sick with the effects of chemo that I can’t even get out of bed. And I would say, “God, how exactly am I supposed to have joy here? How?”  I was so beaten and battered, and the road toward self-pity was a far easier one to tread than the road toward victory.  I couldn’t find my joy – it was somehow hidden from me.

And then something would happen – usually something small – and I would recognize that I was ‘in this moment’ and ‘in this place’, a moment and place filled with abundant, undeniable blessing.  I remember my two-year-old girl coming in with a board game. She climbed up on the bed, set up all the pieces, and we proceeded to play – completely disregarding all the rules. The game involved treasure, and my little one found the treasure every single time. Her face would light up with pleasure, and in that sweet face I found my joy.

Then there were times my nine-year-old girl would say, “Mommy, can we do something?” Well, there weren’t many things I could do, so we would perch side by side and watch movies chosen by my child – crazy, kid-friendly movies that would make her laugh out loud. I don’t remember the movies, but I remember seeing the stress slip away from her, and I knew that what I was really doing was giving her the sense that everything was going to be all right. In that simple act of mothering, I found my joy.

I have heard it said that joy is peace dancing, and peace is joy at rest. I found my joy in mothering, and in connecting. My husband would take my hand, saying nothing at all, and I would sense peace dancing about us.  I would mother my children, giving of myself when I felt so empty, and peace would dance.  Where in your life does peace dance? Where do you find your joy?

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